Hi. My name is… Well, I’ll get to that. It’s not my real name, but what is a real name anyway? Just like “Apple Pie,” two simple words that can bring back a whole wave of sights, smells, memories, a name is just short for a whole package. I still don’t know her real name. She told me she don’t like it, because a hell of a lot of history is attached to it that she don’t like even a little bit.
I suppose it all started with a guy in a wheelchair, who couldn’t do anything anymore, couldn’t feed himself, could hardly breathe, could do nothing but think really really hard on what everything was made of and how it stuck together. He got it wrong, of course. Scientists don’t know everything. If they knew everything, they’d go home. But that’s the thing about scientists. They just keep chipping away, and they find out what they got wrong, and they put it right, until they’re right enough to do something amazing. And then we learnt how to poke holes in the fabric of space-time, and the whole damn Universe lay at our feet. And then they give it to us damn bastards, and what do we do?
We take arguably the biggest thing the Human Race has ever made, like the Old Internet, and we use it so we can look at a nice piece of tail. I suppose that tells you all about Humans you need to know.
I met her in a bar. Bars are one of those things, one of those basic forces like Magnetism, Gravity, Radiation, that you get everywhere in the universe. I swear one day we’ll be powering spaceships with some sad bastard who really needs a drink. This bar was on a planet orbiting a star that we named Sirius, or “the dog star.” Sometimes we get things right just by guessing. Remember how I said “piece of tail” just now? She has a nice piece of tail. And her butt isn’t bad either. This planet, that we call “Sirius Prime,” and the locals call simply “Homeworld,” is inhabited by canines. And not just any canines, but bipedal canines. Convergent evolution is what they call it. We are shaped by our environment. Same environment gets rid of the same dumb ideas until you arrive at the same shape, give or take a tail. Sad little shits all over Earth had been drawing people like her for no other reason than that they really got them hard, and here they were, orbiting the Dog Star. Of all the people in the world, furries must surely be the people who most undeservedly got it exactly right the first time.
She walked in, and I was staring. Not just because she has a mighty fine figure, but because of the way she walked. Everything about her told the world that she’d just had a really good deal, and she was here to celebrate. Isn’t it strange that hot girls never have to wait for a drink? Within a second the barman spotted her and she got something pink in one of those low stemmed glass bowls they use here. She turned, looked round and saw me looking at her. I raised my glass. She walked over to my table.
“See something you like, Monkey Man?”
“I most certainly do.”
She sat down without asking. Watching one of these girls drink is an event in itself. I’ve always had dogs back on Earth, and when you give them a bowl of water, half of it ends up on the floor. Not here. The glasses are shaped precisely so they don’t spill a drop. And where my Belgian Shepard went for speed, she was delicate. She was wearing a shoulder holster, but like mine on my hip, it was empty. You hand your gun over to the doorman or you find another place to drink. I could tell she was a spacer by the way she had to stop herself from parking her glass in mid air. These days, most ships have artificial gravity, but why would you pass up the opportunity to float?
“What’s your name?” I said.
“Guess.”
I looked her over. “Foxy, I said. As in Foxy Lady.”
She gave an amused little chortle. “Just for that, I’m going to call you Human. Did you have a dog named Dog back home?”
“As it happens, my Belgian Queen was called Willow. She was a Good Girl.”
“Heh. I’m not. I’m a bad girl, Human.” She lapped at her drink. “Guess again.”
I made a point of carefully studying her. To make an informed decision, you understand? She was slender, and the fur on her face was a light brown. She wore a black top, long sleeves, not showing much fur, but very figure hugging. Green cargo pants, nice chunky boots, no doubt with steel toecaps. Her mane was long, and a golden blonde, hanging down to her waist. Her nose was shiny, healthy, and wet.
“Well?”
“Goldilocks,” I said. “Goldie for short.”
“That’s from a story isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“When I find and read this story, am I gonna want to come after you and kick your ass?”
“Depends. Do you like bears?”
“Screw them. Honey addicted roughnecks the lot of them.”
“I’ll be fine then.”
“So. Human. What’s a brute like you doing in a sophisticated place like this?”
I shrugged. “Having a drink, eating up my last pay, looking for a new ship to sail with.” I looked into her eyes. “Checking out the local wildlife.”
She jerked her head over her shoulder. “Some cute bunnies over there. You know what they say about bunnies.”
I moved a bit closer. “Too tame for my taste.”
“I know this place where there’s lionesses.”
“Tried once. Got the scars to show for it. Don’t wanna fight in bed.”
“So what are you looking for then?”
“Someone not too hot, not too cold. Someone just right.”
Canines are the undisputed champions in any grinning contest. She moved her nose right next to my ear.
“Wanna go somewhere quiet?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“My ship. My cabin.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “My bunk. What do you say, Human?“
“I don’t mind pet names, Goldie,” I said. “But choose wisely. You’re going to be screaming it.”
Goldie tipped her glass down her throat in one go, wiped her lips on her sleeve, gave me that look.
“Let’s go, Huw.”
Now I know that a bunch of you are gonna be screaming Bestiality! But there’s three things you need to think of. One, they’re not animals, they’re people. They’re every bit as clever as you or me, with all the feelings, all the hopes, all the desires. So have some damn respect. Two, they’re drop dead gorgeous. All soft glossy fur, perfect figure, all the nice parts you could wish for and more.
Oh and three? They’re animals in bed.
I woke up with her in my arms, looking at me. Some people prefer to leave quietly in the morning, without saying goodbye. I don’t understand those people. Waking up with the woman you’ve just spent a really busy night with, is one of those things that make life worth living. Sharing a shower, doing each other’s back, doing each other’s front. Cup of strong coffee, a last kiss or two… Heaven. Except you don’t kiss a Canine of course. First and only time I tried, she sneezed full in my face. What you do is lick the corners of each other’s mouth. Sounds gross, but try it, you’ll like it.
I stepped out of her cabin, and found that we weren’t the only ones on board. A scruffy looking Feline guy, wearing overalls and goggles on his forehead with a clean patch round his eyes. I hadn’t noticed him on the way in but then I had better things to look at.
“Hi,” I said.
“Human,” he said. He didn’t hiss at me, but he wanted to. “Bare skinned little fuck toy.”
I have to say, I much preferred Goldie’s way of saying ‘Human.’ She came out of her cabin. Looking better than this cat, too.
“Shut up Cheshire.” She pulled out a tablet and poked at it, calling up engine data. “We all fuelled up and oiled?”
“Of course we are,” Cheshire scowled. “Despite the noise.”
Goldie beamed at him. “Excellent!” She turned to me. “I gotta be in town. Got to find a return cargo. You can see yourself out, can’t you?”
“Yeah. I don’t suppose you need another crew member?”
“No, sorry. Got Cheshire here.” She wrapped her arms round me, ran her tongue over the corner of my mouth. “I had fun. Thank you.” Light brown eyes looked into mine. “See you around, Huw.”
She turned round, and tail streaming behind her, she walked out and was gone. I was left with a grouchy cat. I looked at him. He looked at me.
“You got what you wanted. Now fuck off.”
“Easy, Tiger. You know any place a guy can get a bite here?”
Cheshire stood completely still for a moment. Then he slowly started to grin.
“Of course. More bites than even you could wish for.”
I should have guessed. I really should have. But I was still looking at the world through a gentle pink haze. Cheshire took me down a few narrow alleyways to a special place that served the best breakfast in this whole space port. Their meat dishes were to die for, he said. God, I can be an idiot sometimes. We walked through the door, me first.
“So what kind of meat do they serve here?”
There was a loud bang, my knees went wobbly and I keeled over onto my face.
“Anything,” he said, just before I passed out.
I woke up. This was good. My head was hurting like a bastard. This was bad. I was naked. Which was good in some situations, but not this one. I was lying on a table, unable to move being strapped down. This was also bad. I looked round, and saw two large, vaguely bear-like creatures. They were holding very sharp things. I also put that in the ‘Bad’ column.
“Good morning, Human,” said Cheshire. He tossed a few high value credit markers up and caught them. Good. You wouldn’t want to be cheap now would you? “I think I’ll have that breakfast now. Not you of course. I never buy back what I sell.”
“Gotta have principles,” I said. “It’s what separates us from the animals.”
“That’s Bastet’s own truth.” He chuckled. “Well, I don’t want to stick around for what happens next.”
“Me neither.”
“Makes you think don’t it? Here I am, an obligate carnivore, and I get queasy at the sight of blood. Modern life really separates you from the realities of Nature.” He made for the door, turned round. “Hey. Maybe I’ll take the Captain here. She really likes her meat dishes.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, pretty much the only thing I could do. “I’m gonna kill you.”
He laughed in my face. “How? By making me choke on one of your bones? So long, Human.”
He started towards the door, still laughing. I looked at the butchers, who were mentally drawing dotted lines on my body to figure out how best to cut me up. Didn’t I say a while back how Humanity’s greatest works are always misused? What a piece of work is man. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty. In form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an Angel. In apprehension how like a god. And here we were, with these motherfuckers wanting to use me as a damn Sunday special side dish. Makes you weep, don’t it?
Just as Cheshire reached for the door handle, it burst open, knocking him back. With her pistol out, fangs bare, growling, Goldie stepped into the room. Maybe it was because my mind was backing away from what was about to happen, but the first thing I noticed was how unbelievably hot she looks when she is angry.
“Back off!”
One of the butchers turned round to her. “Why?”
“That’s my Human on the table. You get your own.”
“We bought him. He is ours. If you want him, you pay.”
Goldie nodded at Cheshire. “He wasn’t his to sell. He’s stolen goods.”
“That is regrettable. How could we have known? How do we know even now? Your word against his.”
The other butcher slowly stepped towards Goldie.
“Hey! Stay back!” She glanced at Cheshire. “You. Cut him loose.”
“Now why would I want to do that?” He turned to the butchers. “If you want her, I’ll throw her in for free.”
In an instant, all the shine disappeared from Goldie’s eyes. Her voice changed. My stomach knotted up. She was scary, though I doubt anyone else noticed the change in her.
“Last. Chance.”
“What are you waiting for?” Cheshire sneered. “Get her. She ain’t gonna shoot.”
There was a bang, loud as hell in the small room. Cheshire stood still for a single moment, then dropped to the floor with a small hole in the middle of his forehead. Goldie turned to the butchers.
“Who else is gonna say no to me?”
“Not me,” I said.
“I can see,” she said, and grinned.
One of the butchers raised his cleaver and swung it round to take my head off. There was another bang, and he fell to the ground, his cleaver only nicking my shoulder. Goldie stepped forward, gun pointed unwaveringly between the remaining butcher’s eyes.
“Cut. Him. Loose.”
For an eternal moment, the butcher hesitated. Then he dropped his cleaver and undid the straps.
“Good.” She looked at me with one eye as I slid of the table. “Hey you. Get behind me. Don’t get between me and him.”
I did as I was told. The gun in her hand was steady as a rock. The butcher walked over and kneeled by his brother. He looked up at Goldie.
“I will find you. I will kill you. And then I will serve you up.” His teeth bared. “With an apple in your mouth! And then I will drink to my brother’s memory and eat you!”
“I believe you,” said Goldie.
And shot him through the head.
“Well, this is mighty undignified.”
I was walking along the street, naked as on the day I was born.
“Death before dishonor?”
“I don’t suppose you have a pair of pants?”
“Not on me, no.” Goldie stared in the distance. “Not in your size anyway. Don’t think I even have a pair of pants your size on my ship. I’m just gonna have to keep you naked in the hold. Just till I find a pair of pants to fit you.” She chuckled an evil chuckle. “That might take a while.”
“That ain’t funny!”
“Nope. Not funny at all. Not even a little bit.” She burst out laughing.
Somehow, we made it to her ship without getting arrested. As it turned out, some other lucky fellow had lost his pants on board her ship, and dignity was saved. Goldie’s tops are made from very stretchy material, and I looked like one of those guys from a commando movie. If you have to go commando, go the full hog, is what I say.
We stood face to face in the cargo hold. She looked away a moment, then back at me.
“Hey. You said you needed to find another ship. And I seem to have shot my only crew member.” She tilted her head a little. “You interested?”
“What’d I do? Carry heavy crates?”
“Naah. I got loading drones.” She smiled. “Though if you want to rip your shirt off and get all sweaty, I ain’t stopping you.”
“Hey. Goldie…” I took a breath. “What is your real name anyway?”
“Everybody who knew it is either dead or thinks I am, which is good.” She took a deep breath. “Goldie will do. Wanna tell me yours?”
I told her.
“I like Huw better. Let’s get this ship on her way.”
“Aye-aye Captain.”
So there you have it. Hi. My name is Huw. It ain’t my real name in one way, but in every way that matters, it is.
The Algernon Expeditions 